


Group Chat: Allen Family Values

by Sohotthateveryonedied



Series: Young, Gay, Totally Unjustified [5]
Category: Young Justice (Cartoon), Young Justice - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Bisexual Character, Chatting & Messaging, Comedy, Coming Out, Dysfunctional Family, Everyone Is Gay, Family, Friendship, GSA Club AU, Gay Character, Gen, Good Aunt Iris West, Good Mom Iris West, Good Uncle Barry Allen, Humor, Married Barry Allen/Iris West, Multi, Nonbinary Bart Allen, Nonbinary Character, Romance, Texting, Trans Bart Allen, Trans Character, Trans M'gann M'orzz, Trans Wally West, author is cis, but I tried to be as accurate and respectful as possible, chatfic, good dad Barry allen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-17 17:34:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28603767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sohotthateveryonedied/pseuds/Sohotthateveryonedied
Summary: Iris:Has anyone seen my lucky pen anywhere?Bart:what penBarry:What penWally:what penIris:My penWally:like the writing kind?Iris:What other kind of pen is there??Barry:A pigpenWally:a female swanBart:pennsylvania
Relationships: Artemis Crock/Wally West, Barry Allen/Iris West, Bart Allen & Jaime Reyes, Bart Allen/Eduardo Dorado Jr., Dick Grayson & Wally West
Series: Young, Gay, Totally Unjustified [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1996390
Comments: 28
Kudos: 159





	Group Chat: Allen Family Values

**Author's Note:**

> **FBI Agent:** "do it"
> 
> **Me, tied to a chair:** "no"
> 
> **FBI Agent:** "stop writing fics for that gsa au that you've already tried to end twice"
> 
> **Me:** *spits in their face* "fuck you"

******Wally > Ric Grayson** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, January 2** **  
** **03:07 EST**

**Wally:** do you ever wish there was like. a remote control for candles so that way you could just press a button and magically light the wick instead of trying to tilt the lighter so the candle will light because you want to read the latest twilight book even though it’s trash but you owe it to your 13 y/o self so you buy the damn thing and now you can’t even read it because the darn candle won’t light itself? someone should invent a button for that   
  
**Ric Grayson:** It’s called a lamp you dumb bitch   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Allen Family Values** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, January 2** **  
** **14:07 EST**

**Iris:** Has anyone seen my lucky pen anywhere?   
  
**Bart:** what pen   
  
**Barry:** What pen   
  
**Wally:** what pen   
  
**Iris:** My pen   
  
**Wally:** like the writing kind?   
  
**Iris:** What other kind of pen is there??   
  
**Barry:** A pigpen   
  
**Wally:** a female swan    
  
**Bart:** pennsylvania    
  
**Iris:** ??? Why would I be asking if any of you have seen Pennsylvania   
  
**Barry:** Maybe this is your fun way of announcing a family trip to Scranton PA   
  
**Wally:** HELL YEAH now we can finally put our dwight schrute cosplays to good use   
  
**Bart:** oh boy I can’t wait for our family trip!! :D   
  
**Iris:** THERE IS NO FAMILY TRIP   
  
**Iris:** I just want to know where my lucky pen is, that’s all I want in life   
  
**Wally:** what does it look like?   
  
**Iris:** It’s purple and has bite marks all over it   
  
**Bart:** gross   
  
**Iris:** Dawn found it the other day and chewed on the tip and now she has a blue ink stain on her tongue   
  
**Wally:** _ forbidden birthmark... _   
  
**Iris:** Have any of you seen it? I need it for an interview today   
  
**Barry:** Who are you interviewing?   
  
**Iris:** That’s classified honey   
  
**Barry:** THAT MEANS IT’S SOMEONE FAMOUS    
  
**Wally:** ooh ooh is it an avenger???? is it hemsworth?? pratt? evans?? pine???   
  
**Iris:** Nope   
  
**Wally:** is it lady gaga?? ronald mcdonald?? our lord and savior zendaya??   
  
**Iris:** No to all of those   
  
**Bart:** is it marilyn monroe????   
  
**Barry:** Don’t know how to break this to you kiddo but Marilyn Monroe died 58 years ago   
  
**Bart:** NOOOO NOT MARILYN   
  
**Iris:** Oh nevermind it was in my desk drawer all along   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Bart > Eduardo Dorito** **  
** **  
** **Sunday, January 3** **  
** **12:30 EST**

**Bart:** confess something to me   
  
**Eduardo Dorito:** I’ve worn my socks inside-out since first grade because some kid told me it would protect me from ghosts and it just became a habit after that   
  
**Bart:** I mean,, technically you haven’t run into any ghosts so there’s no proof that it ISN’T because of the socks   
  
**Eduardo Dorito:** Excellent point!   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Bart > Sk8er Boi Reyes** **  
** **  
** **Sunday, January 3** **  
** **12:32 EST**

**Bart:** confess something to me   
  
**Sk8er Boi Reyes:** Uh...I have the entire Cars movie script memorized and sometimes when I finish a test early I’ll close my eyes and watch the movie in my head to pass the time.   
  
**Bart:** what about the sequels?   
  
**Sk8er Boi Reyes:** I’m working on that but I keep getting distracted by the sexy Italian car.   
  
**Bart:** I hated that sentence thank you   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Bart > Switchblade Lesbian** **  
** **  
** **Sunday, January 3** **  
** **12:37 EST**

**Bart:** confess something to me   
  
**Switchblade Lesbian:** My field hockey stick’s name is Rodrigo and he’s the only man I trust   
  
**Bart:** is he single?   
  
**Switchblade Lesbian:** No he’s married to my baseball bat Hector   
  
**Bart:** darn   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Bart > Gar Gar Binks** **  
** **  
** **Sunday, January 3** **  
** **12:39 EST**

**Bart:** confess something to me   
  
**Gar Gar Binks:** sometimes I’ll sneak out of bed in the middle of the night to perch on a tree branch outside like an owl and watch the world happen around me while I swivel my head around and caw at other birds   
  
**Bart:** genuinely don’t know how to respond to this   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Allen Family Values** **  
** **  
** **Tuesday, January 5** **  
** **15:23 EST**

**Barry:** Your mom is working late tonight and I have plans with Hal, can one of you watch the twins? I’ll pay you and everything   
  
**Wally:** sorry uncle b, conner and I are going bowling later so I’m out   
  
**Bart:** I thought you two were going to that place where you design your own scented candles   
  
**Wally:** who told you about that??   
  
**Bart:** conner and I are very close I’ll have you know. it’s an exclusive club :)   
  
**Wally:** go get your own friends, stop stealing mine   
  
**Bart:** it’s called recycling my dude   
  
**Barry:** Bart, can you babysit Dawn and Don for me please? It’s only for a few hours. Hal and I are going to a baseball game and the tickets are non-refundable   
  
**Bart:** liar, you guys are going to the build your own candle place too   
  
**Wally:** WHERE ARE YOU GETTING ALL THIS INFORMATION FROM??   
  
**Bart:** I know everything and you can’t stop me   
  
**Bart:** anyways no problemo dad I’ll watch the Creatures for you   
  
**Barry:** Thanks a ton kiddo! <3   
  
**Bart:** but I can’t promise that I won’t dress them in drag for tiktoks   
  
**Barry:** That’s fair   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Historians Will Read These Fucking Conversations And Call Us Gal Pals** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, January 6** **  
** **08:56 EST**

**Zatanna:** YOU GUYS WON’T FUCKING BELIEVE THIS NEW DEVELOPMENT OMG   
  
**Conner:** are we allowed to guess or are you just going to tell us   
  
**Zatanna:** i guess u can guess, why not   
  
**Dick:** Aliens have finally invaded and plan to overthrow the United States government by infiltrating the soda industry   
  
**Zatanna:** no   
  
**Artemis:** You just uncovered a murder mystery and need backup because the killer has magical powers and is planning to kill again   
  
**Zatanna:** no   
  
**Wally:** a volcano is about to erupt and destroy the entire western hemisphere and we only have minutes before our boiling deaths so we should use that time to listen to pompeii on repeat   
  
**Zatanna:** no but solid plan   
  
**Conner:** IS IT VAMPIRE WALRUSES   
  
**Zatanna:** no?   
  
**Raquel:** Now hold on a sec I want to hear more about the vampire walruses   
  
**Conner:** they cant come on land unless theyre invited   
  
**Zatanna:** can i just tell u all what the thing is?   
  
**Megan:** What is it?   
  
**Zatanna:** somebody gimme a drumroll please!!   
  
**Dick:** Fubawubwbubfwubawubawubafwubabubuwubwub   
  
**Zatanna:** what kind of a drum is that   
  
**Dick:** It’s a fish flopping around on a snare drum    
  
**Zatanna:** ok   
  
**Zatanna:** so earlier today i was gardening for my elderly neighbor because i’m such a sweetheart who offered to help her out after she broke her hip pole dancing for her 98 year old lover alfonzo and now she’s in a cast so i took over pruning her gardenias even though the REAL reason i offered to help her garden is because twelve years ago i buried my prized cinderella plastic necklace in her yard because i wanted to be a pirate and now i want it back so i’ve spend the past two weeks pretending to garden while i search for it and today she said that i did such a good job that i deserved a reward! apparently her nephew’s husband’s sister’s coworker’s second cousin’s best friend was taylor swift’s aunt’s roommate for two years in college and scored front row tickets to her next concert with backstage passes!!!!   
  
**Wally:** zee I mean this in the nicest way but I physically Can’t read that paragraph   
  
**Zatanna:** i have two taylor swift tickets and two backstage passes WHO WANTS TO GO WITH ME??   
  
**Megan:** OMG I DO I DO I DO!!!!!   
  
**Dick:** NO PLEASE TAKE ME INSTEAD I’M THE BIGGEST SWIFT FAN ON THE EASTERN SEABOARD IT SHOULD BE ME   
  
**Kaldur:** NO NO DO NOT PICK DICK, HE’S A BILLIONAIRE HE DOESN’T NEED THE TICKETS LIKE I DO!! THIS IS DISCRIMINATION AGAINST POOR PEOPLE!!   
  
**Roy:** HEY WAIT I’M A SINGLE FATHER WITH A BABY TO TAKE CARE OF, I DESERVE THOSE TICKETS!!!!   
  
**Artemis:** YOU CAN’T JUST PULL THE LIAN CARD EVERY TIME YOU WANT SPECIAL TREATMENT   
  
**Roy:** YES I CAN AND I WILL! IT’S BECAUSE OF ME YOU GOT THAT FREE DESSERT AT APPLEBEE’S SO HUSH UP AND LET ME HAVE THIS.   
  
**Zatanna:** hmmmm who shall i choose…..i wonder who here LOVES me the most?   
  
**Artemis:** Zee...babe...I have been your best friend for years. I fucking deserve that ticket   
  
**Zatanna:** and yet u wouldn’t steal that baked ham for me from the supermarket in october? hmmm….inch resting…   
  
**Artemis:** YOU CAN’T BAN ME FROM TAYLOR BECAUSE OF A BAKED HAM   
  
**Zatanna:** yes i can and i shall. next!    
  
**Artemis:** Damn it   
  
**Zatanna:** ur next connie, state ur case for why u should be my swiftie plus one   
  
**Conner:** i can eat seven hot dogs in under a minute   
  
**Zatanna:** hmmmmm   
  
**Zatanna:** gonna be a big fat no but ur invited to my next barbecue    
  
**Conner:** nice   
  
**Wally:** I volunteer to go to the concert with you like the good friend I am, wow how selfless of me <3   
  
**Zatanna:** can u promise that u won’t crowd surf like u did at frozen on ice?   
  
**Wally:** no I cannot   
  
**Zatanna:** then u have ur answer   
  
**Raquel:** Come on Zee, you know I’ve been in love with Taylor Swift since I was thirteen years old please you need to do me this solid I’m begging you   
  
**Zatanna:** well ya see rocky, i would totes take u but alas i am ALSO in love with taylor swift and u are ten times hotter than me which means that she will inevitably pick u over me and i just can’t take that risk. u understand it’s just business right   
  
**Raquel:** :(   
  
**Zatanna:** same goes for megan and kaldur, sorry pals but ur just too gorgeous. i need an ugly friend to go with me   
  
**Zatanna:** roy would u like to come see taylor swift with me?   
  
**Roy:** HELL YES.   
  
**Roy:** Being ugly pays off kiddos. :)   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Aunt Iris** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, January 6** **  
** **13:46 EST**

**Wally:** for your next article I think you should just absolutely decimate the waffle industry   
  
**Aunt Iris:** Why?   
  
**Wally:** because there is no reason for the tiny squares to be there and they KNOW IT   
  
**Aunt Iris:** I think you’re the only one who cares about that   
  
**Wally:** waffles are just pancakes trying to be special. they need to be exposed for their lies   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Bart > Sk8er Boi Reyes** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, January 6** **  
** **16:10 EST**

**Bart:** check it out my mom let me use her lip gloss!!    
  
**Bart:** [image sent]   
  
**Bart:** I feel like a pretty princess   
  
**Sk8er Boi Reyes:** Dude you look FRESH. And it’s cool that you’re getting in touch with your feminine side.   
  
**Bart:** yeah I’ve always wanted to tbh but never did because I didn’t want to be “too gay” y’know? like the whole stereotype of a flamboyant gay made it hard to embrace girly stuff even though I’m pretty flamboyant anyway   
  
**Bart:** but you know what I mean   
  
**Sk8er Boi Reyes:** Yeah I get it.    
  
**Bart:** cassie and I went to the thrift store the other day and I got a bunch of skirts and it’s?? so freeing?? idk why I went so long without letting myself indulge in feminine stuff, breaking gender roles is awesome. sometimes a guy’s just gotta wear hair clips and nail polish    
  
**Bart:** I’m just so sick of having a gender in general I think. it’s so restricting and annoying and blegh. like I wish I could just Stop Having One, you know?   
  
**Sk8er Boi Reyes:** Then do it.   
  
**Bart:** do what   
  
**Sk8er Boi Reyes:** Stop having a gender.   
  
**Bart:** I can do that?   
  
**Sk8er Boi Reyes:** I mean...yeah? If you don’t vibe with your gender then you can always change it to something you feel more comfortable with.   
  
**Bart:** well yeah but it’s different for real trans people. I just don’t like having to act like a boy all the time and would rather be sorta in between, but people like wally and cissie have it totally different   
  
**Sk8er Boi Reyes:** Trans is trans, ese. Just ask Violet, they felt like their gender didn’t fit either and they changed their label to fix that. If you don’t feel comfortable with the gender you were assigned at birth then maybe you’re not  _ actually  _ that gender.   
  
**Bart:** that does make sense huh   
  
**Bart:** well I definitely don’t feel like a girl, so that’s out   
  
**Sk8er Boi Reyes:** And what about being a dude? Do you feel like a man?   
  
**Bart:** okay well for starters I can’t grow facial hair and all I listen to is the spice girls so “man” is definitely a stretch,,   
  
**Bart:** but...no, I don’t know if I’ve ever really felt like a boy. I’ve more just...existed   
  
**Bart:** but I don’t mind when people call me a guy and stuff, it’s just what I’ve always been so I don’t have a problem with being called he/him and using the boy’s locker room and stuff   
  
**Sk8er Boi Reyes:** Well from what this Gender For Dummies website is telling me about enbies, there are a lot of different variations when it comes to the nonbinary spectrum. I think you still apply even if you lean more to one side than the other.   
  
**Bart:** huh   
  
**Bart:** can you send me a link to that?   
  
**Sk8er Boi Reyes:** Sure ese.   
  
**Sk8er Boi Reyes:** [link sent]   
  
**Bart:** thanks   
  
**Sk8er Boi Reyes:** No problem.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Dickhead** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, January 7** **  
** **12:49 EST**

**Artemis:** [image sent]   
  
**Artemis:** Wally is currently having a breakdown because we were watching a romcom and he was like “straight couples are so annoying” and I had to break the news to him that when people see us together we look like a typical hetero couple    
  
**Artemis:** He’s been screaming into a pillow ever since   
  
**Dickhead:** Lmaoooo   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Kon** **  
** **  
** **Friday, January 8** **  
** **13:23 EST**

**Wally:** why did I just see my dog on your snap story??   
  
**Kon:** oh yeah forgot to tell you i have brucely   
  
**Wally:** what the fuck???   
  
**Kon:** wolf didnt want to go hiking with me so i took brucely instead   
  
**Wally:** you dognapped my child????   
  
**Kon:** more like borrowed your child   
  
**Wally:** he’s not a sweater!! you can’t just borrow animals!!!   
  
**Kon:** why not? i left a perfectly good stand in so its more of a doggie exchange program   
  
**Wally:** yeah I know! there’s a giant husky sleeping on my pokemon card collection!!   
  
**Kon:** oh yeah he likes pokemon   
  
**Wally:** I want my doggo back   
  
**Kon:** we’ll be back in a few hours   
  
**Kon:** ps uhhh if brucely has rainbow ribbons in his fur it was all megans fault. just saying   
  
**Wally:** megan is at the mall with dick right now   
  
**Kon:** uh   
  
**Kon is now offline.**   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
** **  
** **Friday, January 8** **  
** **14:53 EST**

**Bart:** @everyone LISTEN UP GAYS!!!   
  
**Cissie:** uh oh another announcement   
  
**Bart:** why uh oh?? I make great announcements   
  
**Traci:** Yeah but your last one was to tell us about that dream you had with Shia LaBeouf    
  
**Bart:** he fought a dragon!!! it was important!!!   
  
**Bart:** anyway I promise this is a real announcement    
  
**Steph:** ok lay it on us bart   
  
**Bart:** *ahem*   
  
**Bart:** I’m happy to inform you all that from now on my pronouns are he/they!! emphasis on the “they” part if you wouldn’t mind   
  
**Traci:** Omg that’s great!!!   
  
**Garfield:** WE’RE SO PROUD OF YOU BART   
  
**Steph:** thanks for sharing this with us!!! we love you <3<3<3   
  
**Violet:** Oh boy, another they/them for my army! Very exciting. :D   
  
**Cassie:** Oh so you’re non biney? You don’t have any binery? That’s so poggers   
  
**Tim:** Süper proud ộf you Bầrt!!!! <3   
  
**Jaime:** Is it still okay to call you hermano and dude and stuff? Because I’ve got some gender neutral nicknames too if you want.   
  
**Bart:** you can call me whatever you want! hermano, hermana, dude, godzilla, I don’t really care   
  
**Ed:** What about boyfriend? I can call you something else if boyfriend makes you uncomfortable   
  
**Bart:** uhhhhhhh I dunno, what other alternatives are there?   
  
**Ed:** I could say partner   
  
**Bart:** we’re not cowboys   
  
**Cissie:** lover?   
  
**Bart:** I’m too baby uwu   
  
**Garfield:** how about date mate? that’s always a cute one    
  
**Bart:** meh. not really feeling it   
  
**Ed:** What about goyfriend? It’s kind of like boyfriend and girlfriend mashed into one gender neutral term like a nonbinary smoothie   
  
**Bart:** OMG I LOVE THAT   
  
**Bart:** goyfriend it is <3   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Allen Family Values** **  
** **  
** **Friday, January 8** **  
** **16:18 EST**

**Bart:** hey guys I’m nonbinary!! they/them pronouns please and thank you   
  
**Bart:** oh also if you could just call me your kid or child or whatever instead of your son that would be really banger   
  
**Barry:** No problem kiddo!   
  
**Iris:** Wait, we’re really doing this over text? This is a big moment bart, don’t you want to come out to us in person?   
  
**Bart:** yeah but I’m in my beanbag chair and I’m like. super comfortable so I don’t feel like moving at the moment   
  
**Wally:** lmaooooo none of your kids are cis how does it feel folks   
  
**Barry:** You just forgot about two whole twin babies   
  
**Wally:** oh yeah those guys   
  
**Bart:** you forgot your own cousins???   
  
**Wally:** they’re smaller than a vacuum cleaner and can’t even talk yet, how was I supposed to remember?   
  
**Iris:** Wow   
  
**Iris:** Anyway Bart, super proud of you! Does this mean you’re genderfluid, agender, or something else? I’ve done a ton of research on LGBTQ+ issues so we’re ready to support you no matter what   
  
**Bart:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯   
  
**Iris:** Okay...then how long have you felt this way?   
  
**Bart:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯   
  
**Iris:** Do you want us to call you something other than Bart?   
  
**Bart:** nah ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯   
  
**Iris:** Well this has been informative   
  
**Barry:** What about your grandparents, are you planning on telling them at all?   
  
**Bart:** yeah I’ll probably text jay tonight and tell him    
  
**Wally:** well jeez, when I came out I had a whole coming of age movie traumatic backstory moment. it had Drama™. there were tears. it was beautiful   
  
**Wally:** this one I’d have to rate a 3.5/10, very disappointing   
  
**Bart:** ?? you can’t CRITIQUE my coming out moment, that’s not how this works   
  
**Wally:** no offense but...if it were a movie script it would have been written by joss whedon   
  
**Bart:** YOU FUCKING TAKE THAT BACK   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Historians Will Read These Fucking Conversations And Call Us Gal Pals** **  
** **  
** **Friday, January 8** **  
** **17:21 EST**

**Wally:** do you ever just. want to eat some soil   
  
**Kaldur:** No.   
  
**Wally:** oh   
  
**Wally:** well I’m craving soil   
  
**Raquel:** Please don’t eat soil   
  
**Wally:** I’m craving minerally goodness~   
  
**Raquel:** Don’t do it man   
  
**Wally:** But I Need It   
  
**Artemis:** No you don’t, you need vitamins you weirdo. Eat some broccoli   
  
**Wally:** the devil’s cauliflower? I think the fuck not   
  
**Wally:** who wants to come with me to home depot for a tasty sack of dirt   
  
**Dick:** Oh my god potting soil? With those delicious white bits and that dark chocolatey fertilizer mixed in? *chef’s kiss*   
  
**Conner:** i know im usually the first person to engage in gross food stuff but you two are toeing the line right now. toeing the line   
  
**Wally:** bi culture is thrusting your hand into the ground and shoveling dirt into your mouth at lightspeed, worms included   
  
**Kaldur:** I promise you it is not.   
  
**Wally:** trans culture is chomping on clumps of soil like a horse munching buckets of seaweed   
  
**Megan:** Don’t rope me into your weirdness   
  
**Wally:** wally west culture is eating some fucking dirt for all three meals   
  
**Artemis:** That sounds about accurate   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Bart > Grandpa Jay** **  
** **  
** **Friday, January 8** **  
** **19:47 EST**

**Bart:** hey uhhh I have to tell you something   
  
**Grandpa Jay:** What do you need, sport?   
  
**Bart:** I just wanted to let you know that my pronouns are he/they now   
  
**Grandpa Jay:** Oh! Okay...what exactly does that mean?   
  
**Bart:** like if you were talking about me to someone else maybe use they/them pronouns instead of he/him, if you wouldn’t mind?    
  
**Bart:** for instance you could say “bart got THEIR hair cut” or “bart is looking super rad today, I’m so proud of THEM”   
  
**Bart:** ...if that’s okay? if it’s too complicated I’m still cool with being called he/him so it’s not a big deal but yeah. I just wanted to make sure you knew   
  
**Grandpa Jay:** Of course I’ll use the right pronouns! I’ll tell Joan about the “they” thing as well. Just please try and have some patience with us old people if it takes us a while to get used to it, but I’ll try to remember.   
  
**Bart:** thanks   
  
**Grandpa Jay:** Can I still call you sport?    
  
**Bart:** yeah lmao you can still call me sport and pal and kiddo and all that. but maybe say grandkid instead of grandson? just cause I’m not exactly a boy, so yeah   
  
**Grandpa Jay:** I’m really proud of you for telling me this, Bart. I love you kiddo.   
  
**Bart:** love you too   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Historians Will Read These Fucking Conversations And Call Us Gal Pals** **  
** **  
** **Sunday, January 10** **  
** **23:19 EST**

**Wally:** been watching a lot of gordon ramsey lately and now I really want to be called love by a british person. for health reasons of course   
  
**Roy:** Please keep your kinks to yourself from now on I’m begging you.   
  
**Wally:** it’s not a kink I just crave british affection what’s so wrong about that   
  
**Artemis:** Would it helped if I typed in British   
  
**Kaldur:** How does one type in British?   
  
**Artemis:** Colour. Favourite. Cheque. Grey. Tyre. Aeroplane.   
  
**Kaldur:** That made me so uncomfortable thank you.   
  
**Wally:** sorry arty but it’s not authentic. you don’t have the tenderness of a real brit   
  
**Artemis:** I’d argue on that but y’know what you’re entirely right and I accept that   
  
**Dick:** my butler is british does that help   
  
**Wally:** that depends. can he tell me I’m doing a splendid job and that the queen would be proud of me   
  
**Dick:** No but he can make chocolate chip cookies shaped like the silhouettes of famous historical figures   
  
**Wally:** that works too   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Hal > Barry** **  
** **  
** **Monday, January 11** **  
** **03:21 EST**

**Hal:** should I or should I not wrap myself in bubble wrap and leap off the roof of my apartment building   
  
**Hal:** answer fast because this is a limited time offer   
  
**Barry:** It’s...3am...   
  
**Hal:** and? should I do it or not?   
  
**Barry:** As your emergency contact, no you definitely shouldn’t   
  
**Barry:** As your best friend, I think it depends on how many layers of bubble wrap you use and what kind of surface you’re landing on   
  
**Hal:** old mattress over a concrete sidewalk   
  
**Barry:** Hmmm   
  
**Barry:** I have a plastic tarp in my garage, you could potentially use that for a parachute to slow down your velocity on the way down   
  
**Barry:** Okay give me time to get dressed and gather supplies and we’ll draw up blueprints at your place. You go run to Starbucks and get the coffee so we can figure this out okay   
  
**Hal:** this is why we’re friends   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Spitfire** **  
** **  
** **Monday, January 11** **  
** **11:36 EST**

**Wally:** dddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddsfxxxxxxxfsdcfdxczdxsdfcsfddsdgfsdgfsddsfecwwwwwwwwwwccccccccccccccccccccccsxfsdsd   
  
**Wally:** dcdecdedcdcfdcdfcffdcdcffffgffffffffffffffsdcgfatsgdcvvsaccffacfsvdfvscxvzscxfvfdsgvx   
  
**Wally:** dfdfdfdfdddddddddddddsssssssssssssxxxxxxdfcsdfwefd   
  
**Spitfire:** Uh...you good babe?    
  
**Wally:** sdfdxeesxfrsfdcsgsdferdfesdcdcfffcxsscfxfcsfdxcsdfcsdfxsc   
  
**Spitfire:** Is this a cry for help or something because if so I’m not getting it   
  
**Wally:** sorry I’m just trying to get tomato sauce out of my keyboard   
  
**Spitfire:** Of course you are   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Thanks Dick For Showing Me How To Make A Group Chat** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, January 13** **  
** **07:02 EST**

**John:** Megan did not come home last night, should I call the police or do I have to wait 24 hours to report her missing?   
  
**Bruce:** I’m sure she’s fine, I’ve had to report one of my kids missing at least five times in the past year.   
  
**Dinah:** Did you eventually find them?   
  
**Bruce:** Yeah they just hide in the basement a lot.   
  
**Clark:** I think you just raise weird kids   
  
**Bruce:** At least mine don’t sleep standing up.   
  
**Clark:** HE ONLY DID THAT UNTIL HE WAS NINE AND IT WASN’T MY FAULT   
  
**Lex:** Yes it was. He dropped Conner on his head once when he was a baby and he hasn’t been the same since.   
  
**Clark:** yeah well at least I fucking TALK to our kid. what was it you gave him for christmas this year?    
  
**Clark:** oh that’s right, plain white socks. father of the year, everyone   
  
**Lex:** Socks are a good gift!   
  
**Clark:** you didn’t even wrap them! you had your assistant drop them in our mailbox!   
  
**Lex:** Oh yes I’m so sorry for being so wealthy and successful that I don’t have time to fly all the way to Rhode Island to visit a teenager for one day. My bad.   
  
**Barry:** Do you two have to argue every time someone says something in this chat?   
  
**Lex:** He started it.   
  
**Clark:** no I didn’t??   
  
**John:** ……...So I take this to mean that my niece has been kidnapped?   
  
**Giovanni:** Don’t worry, the kids are all at my house.   
  
**Dinah:** Really? I could have sworn that Roy and Lian were at home   
  
**Giovanni:** No, they are both here.   
  
**Dinah:** What about Artemis?   
  
**Giovanni:** Her too.   
  
**Giovanni:** Zatanna invited the gang over for a slumber party and they spent all night watching Disney movies and crying? I guess that’s how the young people “hang out” these days.   
  
**Ollie:** Pretty sure it’s just the gay ones who do that   
  
**Clark:** sounds about accurate   
  
**Barry:** This explains a lot actually? I was wondering why I wasn’t woken up last night to Wally bursting in my and Iris’ bedroom screaming about anime like he does every other goddamn night   
  
**Clark:** I thought Wally was spending the winter break at artemis and roy’s place?    
  
**Barry:** He is but we guilted him into staying here half the time. It’s a whole thing   
  
**Bruce:** We really need to make a schedule that way we can stop being confused by these kids and their weird sleeping habits. Last weekend Tim and his friends had a sleepover at our house and I didn’t even notice the additional ten teenagers until a few days after the fact.   
  
**John:** To be fair, your home is unreasonably huge.   
  
**Bruce:** It’s a perfectly reasonable hugeness actually.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Aunt Iris** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, January 13** **  
** **10:25 EST**

**Wally:** guess which dumbass left his favorite dysphoria-killing hoodie at the apartment instead of bringing it with him for winter break so he had to steal one of uncle barry’s because otherwise he’s gonna feel like shit all day?   
  
**Wally:** this guy! :’D   
  
**Aunt Iris:** I’m sorry, honey :(    
  
**Aunt Iris:** Sending lots of hugs! <3   
  
**Wally:** it’s cool, I think I’m just going to hang out at dick’s house for a while to take my mind off it   
  
**Aunt Iris:** I’ve been meaning to ask, have you given any more thought to getting top surgery soon? I know it won’t solve all of your problems, but it would definitely be a step up from where you are now   
  
**Wally:** I mean,,,not really? school’s been taking up most of my time and artemis and I can’t afford it right now anyway, so odds are I’ll have to wait a few years   
  
**Aunt Iris:** What about over the summer? It would give you plenty of time to recover after the procedure and you can go right into your sophomore year without skipping a beat   
  
**Wally:** sure but there’s still the money issue to work around   
  
**Aunt Iris:** What if I said that Bruce Wayne owes me a favor after I helped clear up his last press scandal? I’m sure he’d be happy to cover it   
  
**Wally:** how long have you been planning this??   
  
**Aunt Iris:** Not that long   
  
**Wally:** lmao sure   
  
**Aunt Iris:** Okay I’ve been thinking about it for a while, but it’s my job to worry about you okay? I want to make sure you have all the resources you need to be happy in life   
  
**Wally:** thanks, but you can’t just magically snap your fingers and make a huge thing like this happen. there’s gotta be planning and stuff   
  
**Aunt Iris:** I know, I know. I’m just saying it’s worth looking into   
  
**Aunt Iris:** Think about it, okay?   
  
**Wally:** okay I will  
  
  


* * *

**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, January 13** **  
** **17:30 EST**

  
**Tim:** So my therapist tợld me that appårently normạl people _aren’t_ crusheɗ by insurmountable drểad every time they walk oút the front door and intö the real world??  
  
**Tim:** Idk mãn but that sounds kĩnda sus to me. might bể a government conspiracy dễsigned to trick us intỡ complacency  
  
**Steph:** pretty sure that’s just a you thing timmy  
  
**Ed:** Hang on I think he’s onto something here  
  
**Traci:** Y’all need therapy  
  
**Tim:** In ồther news, beển thinkỉng about dyeing my ħair rainbow just fōr the hell of it  
  
**Tim:** Might mâke some questionable õnline purchases to fill the vồid. Who knows ắnymore  
  
**Cassie:** My guy, your therapist is not getting paid NEARLY enough  
  
**Tim:** my carểer is being everyoñe’s problem and i’m doíng a fine job at it thånks   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Sunshine Bois And Goirls** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, January 14** **  
** **16:35 EST**

**Zatanna:** i have a test tomorrow that i didn’t study for so uh   
  
**Zatanna:** god if ur listening, now would be a really good time to strike me down for being gay i’m just saying   
  
**Wally:** homophobes really hyped themselves up way too much, like they keep talking about how god is going to kill me but he’s been taking his sweet time doing it and I feel cheated   
  
**Wally:** kill me with lightning coward. take me down in one shot   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
** **  
** **Friday, January 15** **  
** **09:46 EST**

**Cassie:** All right guys we’re gonna do this in a swift and orderly fashion okay   
  
**Garfield:** do what   
  
**Cassie:** [image sent]   
  
**Garfield:** ohhhh okay okay got it   
  
**Cassie:** Ready? *cups hands around mouth*   
  
**Cassie:** SOUND OFF GAYS!!   
  
**Cassie:** Every friend group should include:   
  
**Cassie:** A himbo   
  
**Ed:** (^-^)ゝ   
  
**Cassie:** A mean bisexual   
  
**Steph:** (^-^)ゝ   
  
**Jaime:** (^-^)ゝ   
  
**Cassie:** An even meaner lesbian   
  
**Cissie:** (^-^)ゝ   
  
**Cassie:** She/theys   
  
**Violet:** (^-^)ゝ   
  
**Cassie:** He/theys   
  
**Bart:** (^-^)ゝ   
  
**Cassie:** A token straight that’s on thin ice   
  
**Cassie:** …...I  _ said _ a token straight that’s on thin ice…...   
  
**Cassie:** C’mon guys someone has to do it   
  
**Cassie:** Take one for the team   
  
**Tim:** I wøuld honestlŷ rather bệ hit by a bứs   
  
**Ed:** QUICK SOMEONE ADD BRION   
  
**Violet:** GENIUS!!   
  
**Violet Harper has added Brion Markov to the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Violet:** Welcome to the chat sweetie!   
  
**Brion:** Hi everyone! Why am I here   
  
**Violet:** Just send this emoji please --> (^-^)ゝ   
  
**Brion:** Why?   
  
**Violet:** No reason. Just do it please.   
  
**Brion:** Lol ok   
  
**Brion:** (^-^)ゝ   
  
**Violet:** Thank you!! Goodbye.   
  
**Brion:** Wait can’t I stay?   
  
**Violet Harper has removed Brion Markov from the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Bart:** there goes a king   
  
**Cassie:** Alright back on track fellas let’s bring it home   
  
**Cassie:** An astrology bitch who has everyone’s birth chart memorized   
  
**Traci:** (^-^)ゝ   
  
**Cassie:** And finally,,, a short king   
  
**Tim:** (^-^)ゝ   
  
**Garfield:** (^-^)ゝ   
  
**Ed:** Wow, that was the most organized we’ve ever been I think   
  
**Cassie:** Good work, girls gays and theys. I’m proud of us   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Bread** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, January 16** **  
** **15:34 EST**

**Wonder Bread:** Reasons I should not get a tattoo of Colonel Sanders the KFC man on my thigh GO   
  
**Bagél:** you fool, there are none   
  
**Rye Bread:** Um, I can think of a few?   
  
**Wonder Bread:** And I am going to be respectfully ignoring them (◡‿◡✿)   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Historians Will Read These Fucking Conversations And Call Us Gal Pals** **  
** **  
** **Sunday, January 17** **  
** **18:12 EST**

**Wally:** GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT   
  
**Wally:** NEVERMIND I’M TOO IMPATIENT TO WAIT FOR YOU TO GUESS   
  
**Wally:** THIS BITCH IS GETTING TOP SURGERY OVER THE SUMMER!!!! I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT AND EVERYTHING!!!!!!    
  
**Megan:** OH MY GOSH WALLY I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!!   
  
**Artemis:** BABE THIS IS SO INCREDIBLE HOLY SHIT    
  
**Dick:** HELL YEAH CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!!!!    
  
**Wally:** IKR???   
  
**Kaldur:** This is amazing news Wally!!! :D   
  
**Wally:** I’M SO FUCKING HAPPY    
  
**Wally:** CATCH ME IN THE SUMMERTIME LOOKING SUAVE AS HELL AND TITTY-FREE    
  
**Wally:** I CAN’T WAIT **  
** **  
  
**

* * *

**  
** **  
** **Group Chat: Historians Will Read These Fucking Conversations And Call Us Gal Pals** **  
** **  
** **Monday, January 18** **  
** **01:12 EST**

**Zatanna:** disney characters who have no business being so hot:   
  
**Zatanna:** 5.   
  
**Zatanna:** 4.   
  
**Zatanna:** 3.   
  
**Zatanna:** 2.   
  
**Zatanna:** 1\. remy ratatouille   
  
**Kaldur:** Blocked.  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I lied when I said this is a no-powers AU. Bruce Wayne’s superpower will always be money, no matter what universe he’s in.
> 
> (And yes there are indeed plans for another installment!! Stay tuned folks!!)
> 
> [Feel free to mosey on down to my Tumblr!](http://sohotthateveryonedied.tumblr.com/)


End file.
